The Art of a Happy Marriage

There is an art to maintaining the intimate relationships in our lives.Explore our experts' perspectives, and learn new techniques to improve your own relationship skills.

Even when people are sure of their love, the decision to enter into marriage is always a gamble — as is clear from the commonly quoted statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. An important question that naturally arises from this number is what are those who remain happy together doing right?

All marriages have their ups and downs; all people have their strengths and weaknesses; and all couples have areas of disagreement. But those who remain happy manage to view their relationship through a positive lens. They see the parts of their marriage that are most positive as the parts that are essential. However, most importantly, they are flexible about this. As the positive and negative aspects of their relationship shift with time, so does their judgment about what is essential — but they always focus on the most positive aspects in the moment.
Along with this positive perspective, they view their spouse’s problems, imperfections, or annoying habits in a way that neutralizes their impact. One approach they use is viewing these things in a benevolent way. For instance, a wife might understand her husband’s snapping as the result of a hard day instead of thinking of him as just being disrespectful. Such positive attributions help relationships to remain stable and supportive.



Another way partners remain happy together is by being aware of — and acknowledging — positives while allowing themselves to get upset about specific problems. In contrast, spouses who tend to be more blaming and less understanding create a negative environment at home. For them, specific problems appear bigger and tend to snowball. It’s amazing how a toilet seat left in the upright position can ruin a couple’s whole day together!
Some people are inherently better at seeing the positive side of situations and understanding others from a more compassionate perspective. And they will certainly be happier for it. But for the rest of us, this is a skill that can be learned — when people are interested in developing it. For instance, couples can practice sharing what makes them feel loved and then practice doing those things.

Unfortunately, life sometimes makes it hard to be positive. We all have only a limited amount of time and energy. So when problems pile up such as job stress, deaths of loved ones, illnesses, problems related to children, people’s inner resources become strained. Even the most charitable people can reach their limit, making it difficult to approach their marriage in positive ways. Because of this, it’s important for couples to nurture their relationship during the good times.
This way they have more positive feelings to rely upon when life gets tough.
In the end, maintaining a happy marriage is, to a large extent, about how couples approach each other. The more they can see their marriage in a positive light and can be supportive and understanding of each other, the more successful their marriage will be.